Ask Frank

There's nothing I love more than handing out advice. Well, aside from eating people, that is. But let's face it, I've been smacked around by love about as much as anybody, so I'm the perfect snake to tell you how you should be running your lives. So pull up a chair and hear what I have to say, and if you like, you can feel free to ask me something yourself.

Dear Frank:

How can I break into writing for television?

~The Next Joss Whedon

Dear Delusions of Grandeur:

Try a crowbar, that usually works. At the very least, you should up your meds.

~Frank

Dear Frank:

Aren't you concerned that the greater demon you were spawned from might someday return to strike your loathsome scaly head from your slithery body? He is a man of known temper and devious ways, plus all that evil science tucked in his back pocket. I suppose all he really needs though is a solid three-feet length of chain to knock you off, since you are a bit of a poof. Regards, you bastard, when next we meet, I will have you for my boots.

~FC, the original Snake

Yo, FC-

Come and get me, you pansy-assed wuss of a fake! You passed up the opportunity to spend a weekend with two gorgeous chicas, you obviously have no spine to speak of. Greater demon, ha! I mock you with my delicate women's underwear. You *wish* you could be as great and powerful and attactive in purple pumps as I am. Pft. Bring it on, nerd-boy. I will squash your "evil science" like the soft yoghurt it is. Put *that* on your smelly feet.

~Frank the First

Dear Frank:

Boxers or briefs?
Also, chocolate or caramel?

~acw

Dear acw:

Well, that's going to depend. Are you a small man, or a big one? If you tend toward the cocktail weiner size, well, I'd suggest skipping them both, and just going commando. It's not like you're gonna chafe. But if you've got a kielbasa down there that needs to be kept in check to protect the ladies, then definitely the briefs.

As for toppings, well, only you can decide that for yourself. It's rather difficult to advise anyone on matters of taste. However, since you asked, go for the peanut butter.

Good luck, and lemme know how it works out for ya.

~Frank

Dear Frank:

When will you be guest starring as "Supersnake" on Smallville? Also, who would you rather eat? Kristen Kreuk or Allyson Mack?

Also, does Kryptonite affect you?

Also, how do I get a life?

~CK

Dear CK:

Well, my people have been in talks with Al Gough's people, but we haven't been able to nail anything down for this season. As for who I'd rather eat, have you seen that Michael Rosenbaum? Now that's a prime piece of meat! Kryptonite, shryptonite! I have no weaknesses, dammit! Ok, so maybe a little Kryptonite in my tea increases my drive to buy pretty shoes, but that's just between you and me. And finally, getting a life is easy—park your car at a mall parking lot, away from the lights, and just wait. Eventually one will come to you—or rather, the car next to you—and you can just take that one. And if you're really lucky, he or she might even be carrying a Payless bag with sparkly red pumps in a size 16!

Hope this helps, CK!

~Frank

Dear Frank:

I think I'm falling in love with a slayer, but the woman who used to change my diapers is pregnant with my child, who might actually turn out to be the spawn of hell. Plus my dad wants to kill me and my friends. Was I born under a bad sign?

~Annoying and Confused

Dear Annoying and Confused:

I don't know, it was written in Mandarin, and I only read Cantonese.

~Frank

Dear Frank:

Describe the scene that led to someone eating the first oyster - do you think humans watched animals doing it first?

~Culinarily Curious

Dear Culinarily Curious:

Give me a fucking break - like any animal would ever be stupid enough to eat those disgusting things. Stick to mammals, the meat is far more satisfying, and the struggle helps you work up an appetite. And besides, what the hell kind of weird-ass question is that? Gimme something hard, for chrissakes.

~Frank

Dear Frank:

Do you believe the expiration dates on food you buy? What sort of margin of error do you work within?

~Alphabetizer of Food Cabinets

Dear AFC:

Again with the food questions. WTF? Well, I have a fairly strict rule of thumb for my food - if it's not still moving, I won't eat it. Takes care of that pesky spoil-date issue.

Next!

~Frank