|
My Tribute to Johnny Cash
I love Johnny Cash. (And no jokes about me only loving him with lemon, butter and capers,
you sick bastards!) There are a lot of people in this world I'd eat and many of them happen to
be so-called "famous" people. The Man in Black, however, is one guy you just don't eat. Though
it probably wouldn't phase him even if I did. Nothing can kill Johnny—not drugs, not
alcohol—Hell, even death probably won't kill him. I mean, I could swallow him whole and
he'd probably still be singing "Ring of Fire" from deep inside my gut. You gotta respect that.
And so out of my deep respect for the Man in Black, I'd like to share with you some songs off
of my upcoming tribute album to Johnny Cash, Old Yellow Fangs is Back: The Songs of Mr. Johnny
Cash. The tunes are familiar, but, of course, I've put my own spin on the immortal words.
Enjoy!
The Ballad of Frank the Snake (Sung to the tune "The Ballad of Ira Hayes)
Frank the Snake,
Frank the Snake
They call him drunken Frank the Snake
He won't answer anymore
Not the martini drinkin' Super Star
Nor the Demon who came before
Gather round me people - there's a story I would tell
About a Snake Demon named Frank, called from the pits of Hell
By the words of his beloved Glory
A blonde and sexy lass
Who came oh so very close
To permanently kicking the Slayer's ass.
In the Sunnydale zoo for nearly two whole years
Frank had a short attention span
Until the Slayer meddled once too much
And Glory needed a plan.
Now Glory wanted the Key
But she couldn't bring it near
And when she needed a giant Snake Demon to do her bidding
Frank volunteered
CHORUS:
Call him drunken Frank the Snake
He won't answer anymore
Not the martini drinkin' Super Star
Nor the Demon who came before
Now Frank and Buffy battled
As he sought to find the key
But in the end it seemed,
He was doomed to fail his beloved Glory.
Because when the fight was over
Glory's Snakey-Wakey lay still
And because it's her name on the goddamned show
Buffy scored the kill.
CHORUS:
Call him drunken Frank the Snake
He won't answer anymore
Not the martini drinkin' Super Star
Nor the Demon who came before
But as most folks know it was just a TV show
Frank wasn't really dead.
For he hadn't been conjured by Glory
He'd sprang from Fury's head
And so years later at the PBP, Frank become a hero
Celebrated through the land
He was wined and speeched and honored
Everybody shook his taloned hand
CHORUS:
Call him drunken Frank the Snake
He won't answer anymore
Not the martini drinkin' Super Star
Nor the Demon who came before
But like most new Super Stars, Frank started drinkin' hard;
Jail was often his home
He blathered on about fame and fortune
And begged Fury to throw him another bone
They thought he died drunk one mornin'
Alone in a dank dark cave
Two inches of blood in his bathtub
Was a grave for the Super Star Frank the Snake
The papers and TV announced it - some with solemn dread
But it turns out that they had lied
Frank the Snake isn't dead,
He's singing for you tonight.
CHORUS:
Call him drunken Frank the Snake
He won't answer anymore
Not the martini drinkin' Super Star
Nor the Demon who came before
One Piece at a Time (same tune)
Well I left the Posting Board Party in 2003
And went to work for Mutant Enemy
The first year they had me fetching coffee and snacks.
Every day I'd watch the hotties walk by
And sometimes I'd hang my head and cry
Because I always wanted me one with hair that was long and black
One day I devised myself a plan
That should be the envy of most any Snake Demon or man
I'd sneak one out of there in a lunchbox in my hand
Now gettin' caught meant gettin' fired
But I figured I'd have all the women I wanted by the time I retired
I'd be eating meals that would normally cost a hundred grand.
CHORUS
I ate them one piece at a time
And they didn't cost me a dime
You'll know it's me when I come to your town
I'm gonna ride around in style
I'm gonna drive everbody wild
Cause I'll eat every girl there is around.
So the very next day when I punched in
With my big lunchbox and with help from my friends
I left that day with a lunch box full of body parts
Now I never considered myself a thief
But Mutant Enemy wouldn't miss just one little piece
Especially if it were one of those "non-speaking role" tarts.
The first day I got me a young-haired blonde
And the next day I got me a red-head back from the salon
Then I bumped into Elizabeth Rohm
I thought I could put them all in my big lunchbox
Along with Trachtenburg and that Hannigan fox
But we ended up haivng to sneak them out in my buddy's mobile home
(CHORUS)
I ate them one piece at a time
And they didn't cost me a dime
You'll know it's me when I come to your town
I'm gonna ride around in style
I'm gonna drive everbody wild
Cause I'll eat every girl there is around.
Uh Yeah—Fury Fanatic, this is the King Cobra in the Korean Inflatable Automobile! Come on.
Haw. This is the King Cobra. And negatory on the cost of these here lovely ladies there Fury
Fanatic. You might say I went right up to the factory and picked them up, it's cheaper that way
Uh!, How many you got?
Well, I ate 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56,
57, 58, 59 innocent people this year
Then I ate 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67,
68, 69, 70 more innocent people this year
(To Fade.)
Don't Take Your Fangs to Town (to the tune of "Don't Take Your Guns to Town")
A small cobra named Frank
Grew restless at the zoo
He become a Snake Demon filled with a bloodlust
He set out to pursue
He shed his skin and sharpened his claws
Glory's Key he had to go track down
And his mother cried as he slithered out;
Refrain:
"Don't take your fangs to town, son
Leave your fangs at home, Frank.
Don't take your fangs to town."
He hissed a song as on he went
His fangs protruding from his lips
He slithered into Sunnydale,
The Key would soon be in his grip
He stopped and slithered into the Bronze and laid his money down
But his mother's words echoed again;
Refrain:
"Don't take your fangs to town, son
Leave your fangs at home, Frank
Don't take your fangs to town."
He drank his first strong liquor then, wondering where she could be
And said aloud to himself that soon he'd find the key
A slutty blonde at his side began to laugh him down
And he heard again his mother's words;
Refrain:
"Don't take your fangs to town, son
Leave your fangs at home, Frank
Don't take your fangs to town."
Frank was filled with rage and turned towards the blonde to chomp
But the slayer plunged a stake into his heart before he even saw
As Frank the Snake fell to the floor the crowd all gathered 'round
And wondered at his final words;
Refrain:
"Don't take your fangs to town, son
Leave your guns at home, Frank
Don't take your fangs to town."
A Snake Named Frank (Sung to the Tune "A Boy Named Sue")
Glorificus left me when I was three
And she didn't leave much for me
Just my good looks and her key to the blood bank
Now, I don't blame her cause she went and died
But the meanest thing that she did in my whole life
Was before she left, she went and named me 'Frank.'
Well, she must o' thought that is was quite a joke
And it got a lot of laughs from a' lots of folk,
It seems I had to fight my whole life through.
Some gal would giggle and I'd get red
And some guy'd laugh and I'd bust his head,
I tell ya, life ain't easy for a Snake named 'Frank.'
Well, I grew up quick and I grew up mean,
My fangs got sharp and my wits got keen,
I'd slither from town to town to hide my shame.
But I made me a vow to the moon and stars
That I'd play the honky-tonks and bars
And make Frank synonymous with fame.
And I think about her, now and then,
My dear sweet Glory and what might have been,
And if I ever have a son, I think I'm gonna name him
Bill or George!
Anything but Frank
Because life ain't easy for a Snake named Frank.
|
