I'm Not a Bad Guy

You know, a lot of people just assume that because I'm a Snake Demon who occasionally eats people, that I'm a bad guy. To quote my close personal friend Ben Affleck in Daredevil: "I'm not the bad guy." In fact, far from it. Oh sure, I know what you're saying... "But Frank! You drink beer, smoke cigars and chase tail." Hey, a Snake Demon has needs, you know what I'm saying? Regardless of those needs though, the acts of supreme good I do in this world are practically immeasurable.

How, you ask?

I'm about to let you in on the world's most sought-after secret. You see. I'm SUPERSNAKE.

Oh, I know what you're thinking, "How could it possibly be?!" Me, Frank, mild-mannered (stop laughing) super-star Snake Demon. Star of stage and screen. Hollywood pretty-boy... how could I be Supersnake? Well, I am. So just deal with it. It would take too long to explain. Besides, were YOU there when Krypton exploded? No? Then shut the fuck up and just accept that I am the Last Snake of Krypton. The Snake of Tomorrow. The Snake of Steel, the Big Blue—are you getting the picture now? Great. Let's move on, shall we?

See, people have just always assumed that Supersnake and I were very good friends who just happened to look a lot alike. Really, the only difference was that "he" wore a Supersnake shirt, while I didn't. Well, you'll see pics of Supersnake all over this fine website of mine. Look closely at just our faces. Pay no attention to what we're wearing (or not wearing). That's right. We're the SAME person - err, Snake Demon. The same Snake Demon who fights for truth, justice, and the American way. All right. Fine. I also occasionally fight to be first in line at the Chinese Buffet on seafood night. What do you care? I'm still a hero.

Why, just last week I was on a flight from LA to New York (Mayor Bloomberg wanted to talk to me about starring in a new series of commercials promoting the city) when I averted certain disaster. I was sitting next to the Olsen twins (462 days until they're legal, by the way) in First Class when some jackass claiming to have A BOMB INSIDE HIS RIB CAGE stood up and demanded to be flown to Canada. Who the fuck wants to go to Canada? Not me. Now the Olsen twins were scared out of their minds. One of them—Mary-Kate or Ashley, I don't know which, and Frankly (Get it? Never mind.) I didn't care—said, "I wish Supersnake was here. He'd save us."

>So I'm thinking, Shit. This guy doesn't have A BOMB INSIDE HIS RIB CAGE. He just wants to go to Canada. Why should I get off my ass just to keep that from happening? But then I looked over at the Olsen Twins. So frightened, so cute and oh so tasty. Only 462 more days... Maybe stopping this fruitcake would be worth Mary-Kate and Ashley's appreciation. So I excused myself, slithered into the toilet, donned my S-Shield Supersnake shirt and came out ready to serve up a whup-ass sandwich, hold the mercy.

I slithered up to the guy and said, "You don't really have A BOMB INSIDE YOUR RIB CAGE do you? You really just want to go to Canada, don't you?" Seeing my fearsome, yet heroic self before his very eyes melted any confidence he may have had. He meekly whispered, "No sir. I don't have A BOMB INSIDE MY RIB CAGE. I just want to go to Winnipeg."

Normally, I'd have just told the guy to sit his ass down, but one, I was kind of pissed off that I had to get out of my seat and do the whole hero thing when this was my time, my time! to relax. Second, what dumb-ass wants to go to Winnipeg? So I said, "Lunch, err I mean, JUSTICE. That's right, Justice, is served." And I promptly ate him to the applause of the passengers and crew. After signing a few autographs and posing for some pictures with Mary-Kate and Ashley, I slithered back to the toilet, took off my shirt and slithered back to my seat.

"Oh Frank!" Mary-Kate (or was it Ashley?) said. "Where have you been? You just missed Supersnake!"

"Yeah," said the other twin. "He was just here and he saved us all from the guy who had A BOMB INSIDE HIS RIB CAGE. He's so cool. I wish you would have gotten to see him."

Putting on my best sheepish grin, I said, "Darn it all to heckfire! I'm NEVER around when Supersnake is."

You'd think that despite the whole shirt/no shirt thing, they'd realize I was the same Snake Demon who'd accidentally grabbed their asses while having my picture taken with them earlier. I guess Lois Lane isn't the only galactically stupid woman in the world. Not that women as a whole are galactically stupid, because hey, I love women. And I love children too. Women and children. Love them dearly. Especially with lemon, butter and capers.

Oh my, look at the time... gotta go. I've got a script reading with DiNero in fifteen minutes.

~ Frank